Noticing
by Cordelia Blythe
Summary: Various characters reflect on what they see. Post-DH.
1. James Notices

He notices it

He notices it. He notices it in the way the other boy stares at Lily. There is a fine line between love and hate, his mother used to say. Sometimes the line gets a little hazy, and the emotions of love and hate become one, making it hard to tell one apart from the other. And as James catches Severus Snape looking at Lily Evans for the third time this evening at the prefects' meeting he cannot help but feel his dislike for Snape grow. How, James wonders, could Snape call Lily a mudblood and then look at her like – like he fancied her? Well, whatever it was, he didn't like this. He didn't like Snape looking at Lily like that.

But then, James remembers the fine but hazy line between love and hate.

"James? James!" There is a poke to his rib cage and he glances down to see Lily looking disgruntled. She has just asked him a question and he doesn't know what it is. The prefects look at the head boy expectantly. He manages to say, "Err…"

"Would you like to add something to what I just told them about next week's duties?" Lily asks, now thoroughly annoyed.

"Uh – oh, um." James says quite inarticulately, and then grins at his fellow classmates. "Oh, you know, stay out of trouble, kids, and listen to whatever," he glances at Lily, "mommy says." A few of the prefects laugh at this, while Lily raises her eyebrows at James, choosing not to say anything.

James and Lily gather the left over handouts from the meeting, and the dismissed prefects slowly shuffle out of the room, yawning and stretching. A few of them wave a friendly goodbye to James and Lily.

James notices Snape throw another look at Lily before walking out of the classroom, and he has to fight the urge to go after Snape and disfigure his already crooked nose. James glances at Lily to see her gathering the handouts littered on the floor. She, apparently, had not seen Snivellus watch her.

When she looks up from the floor James is still looking at her. "Did you just call me a mommy at the meeting?" Lily asks, interrupting James' thoughts of mutilating Snape.

He is confused for a second, and then he remembers and says, "Oh, what? The whole 'listen-to-mommy' thing? I was just kidding – you know, you asked me to add something and it reminded me of my mum." Apparently this is the wrong thing to say.

Lily frowns and says, "I remind you of your mother?"

"No, listen to the whole thing," James says following her out of the meeting room. "The thing is, every time my mum lectured to me about something and asked my dad if he had something to add, he'd tell me to stay out of trouble and listen to my mum."

"Oh. But I still remind you of your mother?" Lily asks James as she struggles to hold onto the huge stack of handouts while trying to walk with coordination. James grins at her and takes the stack out of her hands.

"I love my mum, if that tells you anything," James says without thinking. His shoulders brush hers slightly, and he feels her shivering. It is August, and the air is muggy – not cold. Not at all.

James gives Lily a sideway glance and sees the red staining her cheeks. He realizes what he has said, and mentally kicks himself. _I love my mum, if that tells you anything…_great, now he sounds like his flirting old-self – the one who Lily had hated with passion. So, he tries to lighten the mood by saying, "Its nice working with you, Evans."

She is relieved. She smiles a little and says playfully, "Too bad I can't say the same for you." And they walk in companionable silence for a moment. The deserted hallways of Hogwarts at this hour of night really did give one the chance for a calm and quiet walk. The dimly lit lamps flicker a little with the humid air from the open windows along the hallway.

And in this silent moment James is harshly reminded again of Snape – the slimy git! – and of the way he kept throwing Lily those disturbing looks. He wants to ask Lily if she noticed them, too. But he wonders if that would be a little too personal. She had just started behaving in a civil manner with James a few months ago, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to risk asking her the wrong thing…

But, bloody hell! This thing with Snape was really getting to him…

He glances at Lily now, walking along beside him, her auburn hair pulled up messily in a bun, her nose small and sharp, and her gaze searching for late night mischief-makers. And he doesn't know how anyone could resist looking at her. But this rationalization doesn't keep him from wanting to attack Snape. Because, however irresistible she was, no one was allowed to look at _his _Lily like that! No one! James Potter had the ultimate privilege to do that.

And he doesn't know what to do.

But he wants to do something, because it is eating him. He doesn't understand why he feels so damn frustrated and angry. This thing between him and Lily – it was just friendship…right? The whole flirting with her was a thing of past, when he was immature and childish. It was only after James had stopped asking Lily out that she had finally accepted his friendship. And now, here he was, getting angry and upset over that _Slime-ball _looking at her.

But, why? Why was Snivellus even looking at her? Yes, James knew of the friendship that had existed between Lily and Snape before the greasy rat had ruined it by calling her the name James couldn't even bring himself to think of. But that was over.

And now the _idiot_ was looking at her.

He cannot talk to Lily about it for fear of her reaction….

He definitely cannot talk to Sirius about it, because God knows that Sirius would end up doing exactly what James had in mind – beat Snape into a pulp or hex him into the next century. And Lily would surely find out about the fiasco, and that would be the end of his carefully planned out friendship with her.

He refuses to talk to Peter about it, because well… he was Peter, and who ever heard of Peter giving out advice?

And Remus – huh.

Remus was perfect! Remus was the advice guy…

James would have to have a chat with Remus about Snape's filthy eyes wandering towards _his_ Lily.


	2. Lily Notices

Lily notices it

Lily Notices

Lily notices it. She notices it in the small ways that he tries to tell her. She notices it, but she has chosen to ignore it, because frankly, it is easier that way. It is easier that way because James used to be the guy she loathed.

And now, they are friends… and she just doesn't want to handle more. Because honestly, in the midst of head girl duties, Order of the Phoenix meetings, school work, the war, and Voldemort, James Potter should be the least of her worries. But unfortunately, he is everywhere. He is omnipresent…and she sees it. Always.

She sees it in the way he sort of forgets what he is saying when he sees her. Like yesterday at the Order meeting when she was late. She had walked in twenty minutes late to find everyone already there and James talking about the strategy he had come up with for the latest mission.

"S-sorry!" she had stuttered, finding a seat next to Marlene McKinnon. And he had stopped talking. The room had gotten quiet for a moment or so as everyone had looked at James expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

Lily had looked up at him too, only to find his gaze fixed on her. She had licked her lips nervously, unable to take her eyes away from his. And there had been a hacking cough. Sirius Black had nudged his best friend in the ribs, and James had broken his eye contact with Lily and thrown his friend an annoyed look.

"Yes, you were saying, Sirius?" James had asked Sirius, sounding rather irritated.

Sirius had rolled his eyes and had said, "No, James, _you_ were saying…"

And James had looked confused for a second, and then he had remembered, blushing. "Oh, yes, right… I was saying…"

Yes, she notices it. She sees it in the way he protects her from anything and every thing…

They are fighting against the foulest group of deatheaters. She is busy defending herself against one of them, when out of nowhere another deatheater yells the Cruciatus curse at her back. Lily doesn't have the time to duck or strike back, and she is so frightened in that second that she can't seem to think clearly. And then he is there, yelling a stunning curse at both of her attackers and then grabbing her a little harshly, pulling her away from the line of the Cruciatus curse. They are both hidden behind a tombstone. He leans forward, touching her cheek.

"You're bruised." He says, his voice low, and she sees it. He is her knight in shining robes.

She notices that although he has been very patient with her for the past few months, accepting her friendship and giving up on asking her out, he still gives her those longing glances. The glances that, unknown to even her, she returns…

They are at a friend's house, celebrating their victory after fighting the deatheaters. Lily is talking to Dorcas and Marlene about Dumbledore's plans for the Order, and James stands across from them, on the other side of the room with his friends. He occasionally glances over at her. And while she is talking, she can see James watching her. Even though she tells herself not to, she returns his gaze. He smiles, raising his bottle of butterbeer to her. His eyes have that look. The look that, Lily just knows, he saves only for her. The lookthat sends shivers down her spine. In that look are years and years of want and yearning.

And like James, Lily has completely forgotten that she is conversing with her friends. Marlene, concerned, asks her, "Lily, are you okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost…"

Lily looks at her friend blankly. "Oh, yes, I'm fine…I - " she looks over at James again. He is still there, his gaze still not wavering from her. "Um, excuse me for a moment – I'll be back." She walks away from her friends, leaving them bewildered. She walks towards him, smiling, and he towards her, grinning. They meet halfway, in the middle of the room.

She sees it more clearly now than ever before. And standing there, looking into James' brown eyes mirroring her future, she finds that she doesn't want to ignore it. Not anymore. This is James. James, however arrogant of a boy he had been before, is now the reason why she lies awake at night, he is the one she sees herself sharing an ice cream cone with…he is the one she sees herself sharing her life with.

He runs a hand through his hair, a habit she has come to love, and says nervously, "Lily."

She smiles broadly, finally feeling like nothing can hold her back, and says, "James." She takes a step closer to him and, without hesitation, falls into his arms. He is surprised, she notices. But only for a second. Then, he wraps his arms around her, wondering if this is all a dream.

"You're all I see." She whispers into his chest.


	3. Severus Notices

Severus Notices

It is like being tortured with the cruciatus curse, every moment of the day. It is like having your heart ripped in two – not once, but repeatedly. Severus is faced with it every second of everyday, and he doesn't see how he can't notice it. Notice them.

He sees them over at the Gryffindor table – Potter sits at the far end, his right hand lifting a goblet of pumpkin juice to his lips, and his left resting on the table casually…a little too casually. He grins and shakes his head at Black, who is shoveling eggs into his mouth at top speed. Potter's left hand, no longer casually resting on the table, has found Lily's right hand. Lily…

Severus' stomach does an unpleasant flip, but he cannot turn away. Not now that he has seen her. Not now that he has seen her with her small hand wrapped around Potter's big, calloused one. Not now that he has seen her lean over and kiss Potter's cheek… Potter grins slowly, touching his cheek.

Severus remembers the times Lily used to come to him, annoyed and angry. He remembers her telling him the many ways in which Potter had ticked her off… and he wonders how that hatred she'd had for Potter has now changed into this… this hand-holding and – and _kissing_. But the answer is right there, in front of him. The answer had always been there, in front of Severus' very own eyes. He sees it even when he closes his eyes…_she never did hate him_…

……………………………………………………………………………………..

It is their fourth year. She is sitting at the desk by the window in the library, her head bent over a huge book, her index finger feverishly following the line she is reading. Severus takes advantage of this moment to look at her. He sighs softly, and approaches her.

"Hello, Lily," He says when he is close enough.

"Oh, hello, Sev…" she says absentmindedly, not even looking up from her book.

"What's this?" Severus asks, pulling up a chair next to her and pointing at her book.

She finally looks up and says sighing, "Defense…" She bites her lower lip. "I am determined to do well on the exam."

"You always do well," Severus says encouragingly.

She rolls her eyes. "No, I don't, Sev, and this isn't just about doing well." She looks at him pointedly. "It's about doing better than Potter." She sighs again. "Every year he gets the highest, and I am inevitably behind by one or two points…and how _is _it that he manages to throw a party with his friends a day before the exam and not study, and _still_ beat me?"

She looks over at the other side of the library, where Lupin sits reading just like Lily, while Potter and Black stand behind him, trying to mess up the order of the books on the stand.

Potter flicks his wand once, and all the books on the shelf rearrange themselves. Potter grins at Black, and they high five each other.

"I mean, look at him," Lily says, disgusted. "How does he manage to act like a baboon, and still be one of the cleverest wizards in our class?"

"Cleverest?" Severus asks incredulously. "Potter? Clever? Those two words should never be in the same sentence."

Lily shoots him a look and says, "Oh, come on, Sev, he might be big headed, but everyone knows that the guy is intelligent…no, no, don't look at me like that, Sev, he's still every bit as annoying as a mosquito, and at least, I don't go around thinking that he's handsome like Mary… she swears by the moon that he has the finest cheek bones and the dreamiest eyes." Lily snorts and glances over at Potter again. "I tell her that he's very normal – tall, but very normal…"

She goes back to her book, leaving a befuddled Severus.

A moment later, Severus says quietly to Lily, "So, you think Potter is clever and tall?"

Either she doesn't hear him, or she chooses not to answer him. But when Severus gets up to leave, he sees her steal a glance at Potter again, a ghost of a smile evident on her face. This time, Potter catches Lily looking at him and grins. Her smile fades, and she quickly returns to her book.

Severus thinks he is going to be sick…

……………………………………………………………………………………..

He saw it then, and he sees it now. Here they are, sitting next to each other, staring at each other. Potter is still holding onto Lily's hand, and it is nauseating.

It's like Black has just read Severus' mind (which doesn't happen often, mind you), when he says, looking from Potter to Lily, "Please don't tell me you're going to feed each other now, because honestly, there's only so much my stomach can take at seven in the morning."

Although the Slytherin table is a few tables away from the Gryffindor table, Severus can hear Black clearly because the Great Hall is almost empty at this hour.

Potter grins at Black, and tightens his grip on Lily's hand.

"Morning sickness started already, Sirius?" Lily asks, hiding a smile. "How far are you along?"

Potter laughs loudly, while Black grumbles, "Oy! Better watch your girlfriend, Potter."

She always did have a great sense of humor, Severus thinks smiling.

"Well, I'm off to Ancient Runes." Lily says, getting up. She picks up her bag, ruffles Potter's hair, and says to Black half-giggling, "'Bye, Grumpy, and let me know if it's a boy or a girl."

"Yeah, yeah…" Black says, smiling now.

Lily turns to leave, when Potter tugs on her bag, pulling her back to her seat. He turns her around, pulling her to him.

"'Bye." He whispers, and then kisses her.

Severus watches, and wishes he could turn away.

She kisses him back. Black whistles, and then yells, "Hey, Lovebirds, break it up! McGonagall doesn't look too happy over at the faculty table."

Severus gets up, abandoning his untouched breakfast. As he walks out of the Great Hall, he wonders if he'll ever stop seeing them.

Note: Thanks for reviewing, everyone!


	4. Sirius Notices

Sirius Notices

He looks into the glass windows of the bakery, and finds the reflection of a twenty-year-old man staring back at him. The Christmas lights around the windows flicker, and illuminate the young man's handsome face with green, red, and yellow. He sees himself clearly in the window, because the bakery is dark, much like the village itself. Except for the brightly flashing lights hung up on all the shops, the village is dark and deserted on the night before Christmas.

Sirius sees it every time he looks at himself. It is like a curse that is his constant companion. He looks past the gray eyes and the dark hair, and sees only loneliness.

He looks away from the window, feeling betrayed by his own reflection. His own reflection has broken his resolve and composure, reminding him of the one thing that he doesn't want to dwell on – family.

Family – Sirius laughs out loud. It is not a youthful, carefree laugh, but one filled with remorse and slight hints of hatred. It is a bark, and his voice echoes eerily in the village square.

As he walks away from the window, and his wretched reflection, Sirius wonders why the one thing he didn't have was now haunting him. He wonders why he just couldn't be left alone, which is ironic because he _is_ alone, being family-less and all.

Snow falls steadily, covering the narrow lane he is walking down. It flecks Sirius' black hair and his heavy trench coat. He tightens the scarf around his neck, and digs his hands deeper into the pockets of the coat. As he passes some small cottages, he still remembers the day he left the Black household for good…

……………………………………………………………………………

It is the summer holidays after his fifth year, and he figures he has had enough; enough of all the pureblood crap his parents have been trying to engrain into his brain; enough of his damn bigoted family. Anymore of this, and Sirius is going to go crazy. He is sixteen, and practically, an adult. So, he opens his school trunk, and throws into it everything he owns. On the walls of his room, he leaves behind the Gryffindor banners, pictures of Muggle motorcycles he'd found at a London store, posters of some Muggle girls in bikinis, and a picture of him with his friends. And he is satisfied with leaving them behind, because he knows that they would annoy his parents.

When he drags the trunk down the stairs, his mother yells all sorts of things at Sirius. "IF YOU STEP OUT OF THIS HOUSE, YOU'LL BE DISOWNED!"

Sirius has to laugh at this one. "Well, I wondered when you would give me the good news – been waiting for that one my entire life."

"OH, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A SON LIKE YOU? SHAME OF MY FLESH! BLOOD TRAITOR!"

And Sirius leaves, his mother's yells still echoing in his ears when he is out of the house. He has his wand out, just in case his parents use magic to restrain him from going. And even though he has walked out, closing that door behind him forever, he has no idea where he is heading. He crosses out the possibility of getting his own place, as he is still underage, even if he does have that money Uncle Alphard has left for him. The second natural choice is James. And he just knows that James would take him in without any questions, and he also knows that James' parents like him very much.

But even as he heads towards James' place, where he knows he will be more than happy, he feels an ache. An ache for family… not exactly his family, but a family he could call his own – a family he could be proud of.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

And now, as he proceeds on to his destination on this Christmas Eve, he wonders if he is better off without a family. But then, he remembers his reflection, and knows that he is lying to himself. And with a pang, he realizes that he has been lying to himself a lot…

…………………………………………………………………………………..

The wedding is held on a beautiful summer evening. Sirius stands next to a nervous James. He puts his hands on James' shoulders, and says grinning, "Prongs, you are fiddling with your hair again – you know your hair is already a mess, mate. Mess with it more, and you'll look like you got married while flying on your broomstick."

When Lily walks gracefully down the aisle in a simple white gown, her auburn hair falling elegantly on her shoulders, James immediately stops assaulting his hair, his face brightening up.

And as his best friend says his wedding vows to the love of his life, Sirius finds his eyes wandering over to the family and friends of the couple. His gaze settles on a brown haired girl sitting in the front row. _Dorcas_. He tells himself to turn away even as her eyes meet his. He wants to keep looking at her. He wants to tell her that he is sorry for the mess that they have created out of their relationship, and that this is for the best. But he won't. He won't, because if he talked to her again, he is not sure if he'd be able to keep his composure. When there is clapping, they are both startled out of their reverie. Sirius half-heartedly turns back to the bride and the groom, but he can't help but chuckle when he sees James lifting Lily off the floor with one arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders.

"Hello, Lily Potter." James whispers, and kisses Lily like his life depended on it.

A few minutes later, the center area under the tent is cleared for dancing, and James and Lily dance to the first slow song. Sirius watches, sipping wine from his glass, a smile playing at his lips. He still distinctly remembers those days when Lily hated the guy's guts, and now, here they are, in love and married. But then again, maybe she never really hated him… Sirius sighs – _women_. He never did understand them. And his eyes wander over to Dorcas again. She is dancing with some bloke in turquoise robes. Sirius snorts out loud, causing some old man standing next to him to give Sirius a look. _What kind of an idiot wears turquoise robes? _Sirius wonders.

When the slow song ends, he walks over to Lily and James. "May I cut in?"

James rolls his eyes and says, "Alright, alright, but find your own girl for the next one, Padfoot."

"Lily, why did you marry this jealous and insecure man?" Sirius asks. "How about you marry me next weekend and be the wife of a handsome young man?"

Lily laughs, while James gives Sirius a blow to his head. "I would love to, Sirius, except I'm pretty sure it's illegal to have two husbands."

"Oh, just divorce him, it's that easy." Sirius says, diving and avoiding another blow from James. "OK, Prongs, fine, you can have your wife after this one dance."

When they dance to another slow number, Sirius asks Lily, "So, how does it feel like, being married to James?"

"Crazy… and lovely…and just right…" she says smiling, looking up at him.

"I understand the crazy part." Sirius says grinning. "But the 'lovely' and 'just right'? Not so much."

"No, I suppose you don't," Lily says, and then they dance quietly for a moment. Turning his head a bit to his right, Sirius finds Dorcas again. She is still dancing with the turquoise bloke, and when she catches Sirius looking this time, she quickly averts her eyes.

Sirius is startled when he hears Lily say, "You should talk to her, you know."

He looks down to find Lily looking at him, worried.

"Talk to Dorcas, Sirius."

"About what?" He decides to play dumb.

"Sirius," Lily says rather sternly. "Don't do this – to yourself or Dorcas."

"Have you seen Remus?" He asks, looking around and avoiding Lily's accusing emerald eyes. "Haven't seen him since before the wedding ceremony."

"He's over at the drinks table, talking to James," she says, looking at Sirius pointedly. "Sirius, you're avoiding it…please, talk to me."

He remains silent.

"She is my best friend, Sirius, I won't let you do this to her." She says fiercely. And when he doesn't respond, she pleads, "She – she, God, she _loves _you, Sirius."

His heart feels clenched. She _loves_ you.

"And I know you love her," Lily says, searching his face and finding her answer when his jaw clenches. "Then _what _is the problem?"

A moment later, he says softly, "I want a family with her. I do, Lily…I want what you and James have…" he struggles with himself for a second. "But, this is a war! A war. I want to wait until it ends to have that family."

"And what about James and I? We got married, didn't we? You think we're crazy?"

"You guys are different." He says offhandedly. "This thing with you and James has been going on forever," he smiles. "We were all getting sort of fed up with you hating on James…"

"Sirius – "

"No, Lily," he says, tired. "No one must know that I love her." When she starts to protest, he says, "At least for now… I am a pureblood… and Dorcas is a muggleborn. My whole family is on Voldemort's side. If the Death Eaters get a whiff of this, I don't know what they'll do." The song ends, and Sirius lets go of Lily. "Our secret." When she nods reluctantly, he drops a kiss on her forehead and walks away, all the while lying to himself… _I don't need a family to help me get through this war… _

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Now, he reaches his destination – the cottage on the far end of the lane. He opens the gate, and walks up the lane, his feet sinking into the fluffy snow. Inside the window next to the front door he sees a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He is about to raise his right knuckle to knock on the wooden door, when it bangs open. A woman with a toddler resting on her hips comes forward, and pulls him inside.

"Sirius! Oh, thank God, you're here!" she says feverishly. "James!" she yells. "He's here!"

A man with round, wire-rimmed glasses, and extremely messy hair comes rushing into the foyer. He sees Sirius, and exclaims, "Padfoot!"

Lily leads him into the living room, and lets him sit on the sofa. He looks at her, and she at him. "Oh, Sirius," she finally whispers, tears filling up in her eyes. She squeezes his hand. "We heard about Dorcas… I can't believe it…"

"I'm so sorry, mate," James says, coming forward and placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder. The room grows silent, except for baby Harry cooing in his mother's arms. Sirius takes Harry from Lily, and bounces him on his knees. Harry giggles, leaning forward and grabbing onto his Godfather's hair.

When Sirius turns to glance out of the window, he sees it. He sees a reflection – of himself, sitting on a sofa; of Lily, sitting on the rug in front of him, and looking at him tearfully; of James, standing next to his wife, his hand resting on his best friend's shoulder; and of Harry, sitting on his Godfather's lap, happily cooing.

And he notices it – finally. It strikes him suddenly, and he feels like a fool for not knowing it already. But he is suddenly happier… he is lonely no more. And he realizes that he must have known this. Somewhere inside, he always did know this. All it took was for him to finally _notice _it.

_This is his family. This will always be his family. _

He looks up at his best friend and brother, for whom Sirius would die in a heartbeat. He smiles through the tears that have formed in his eyes, and says to James, "You're my family."

……………………………………………………………………………………

Note: Sirius, somehow, was the hardest character to write about. He is so complicated and mysterious. Well, anyway, I love him, and I wanted to do justice to his great character. So, this was my attempt. It is the longest chapter (Seriously, there's so much you can say about him), and I would love to hear what you have to say about it.

Thanks again for the wonderful reviews! I love them.


	5. Peter Notices

Peter Notices

They think that he doesn't notice things. That is where they are wrong. He notices things – more clearly than any of them. He knows that he has a weakness.

He has lacked skills and talent all his life. He is plain. Flat. Uninteresting. He is like a book with no words. He is like a broom that doesn't fly. He is useless. He doesn't want to be that way. He never wanted to be himself. He wanted to be the boy who others wanted and worshipped. And if he couldn't _be_ wanted and worshipped, then he wanted to _be with people_ who were wanted and worshipped.

So, he found a way, early in his life, to overcome his uselessness. He found a way to hide his monotony. He found a way to be with people who were wanted and worshipped.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

It is his first time riding the train to Hogwarts, and he is walking down the corridors, trying to find a compartment. He passes many that are already full. He stops at the last one, hoping that this one at least had space for him. He looks into the glass windows, and finds three boys and a girl.

Opening the door, he says rather timidly, "Hello, I – I was wondering if there was room for me here." The statement is more of a question, and in his voice is hesitation and a slight fear of rejection.

Two of the boys, the two dark-haired ones, shrug, while the light brown-haired one smiles politely, and makes room for Peter. The girl seems to be concentrating on something outside the window.

"What's your name, then?" the black-haired, bespectacled boy demands with an air of someone who liked to lead everything.

"Peter." He says, his beady eyes darting from the bespectacled boy's face to his expensive-looking maroon robes. "What – what about you?"

"James." He says confidently, his chest puffing out. "James Potter." Peter wonders if he could ever be so bold.

"Sirius Black." The other dark-haired boy says almost carelessly. Peter finds himself staring at the boy's emerald robes. They have emerald stones for buttons…

"Remus Lupin." The light brown-haired one says smiling.

They all sit silently for a moment, when a lady with a food cart full of candies and pastries comes by. James and Sirius buy almost everything on the cart, and Peter watches, amazed, his mouth watering, as James opens a chocolate frog and exclaims, "Yes! Nicholas Flamel!"

"I've got about a hundred of those," Sirius says lazily.

James raises his eyebrows and says, "Well, I don't eat too many chocolate frogs. I don't like them much … they tend to jump out at me… you want one?"

And Peter realizes that James is talking to him. He turns crimson.

"Here, have 'em all…I don't even like 'em." He says, and pushes a whole pile of chocolate frogs towards Peter.

Peter gobbles them up instantly, and Sirius laughs, "You would think he didn't eat for a week."

When a shabby looking boy comes and talks to the girl who is sitting by herself, James' attention shifts.

"Slytherin?" He says, disgusted, his head swiveling around to face the shabby boy. And an argument ensues. In the end, the boy and the girl walk out in a huff, with Sirius and James yelling, "See ya, Snivellus!"

They all laugh. Well, except for Remus. But James and Sirius almost fall off their seats, imitating the grungy boy. And Peter, after watching the other two, laughs, too. He laughs almost as an after-thought. And it dawns on him that these are the people he needs to hold on to. They will be the ones to give him the boost in his social standing. They were powerful – or at least, that's the conclusion Peter drew from James' and Sirius' clothing –, unabashed, and confident people. These were the people Peter needed to survive.

He notices that he is the weak link…he can live with being one, too, even if he doesn't like it. But, he also knows that he doesn't want to be a weak link with no pillars to lean on.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

He looks down at the rubble that was James and Lily Potter's house. Fear is evident in his beady and watery eyes. He looks around as if afraid that any moment now, James and Lily will come after him for betraying them. But then, when nothing out of the ordinary happens, he chuckles softly… He will be rewarded extraordinarily by the Dark Lord… He will be called the Dark Lord's most faithful and dependable servant…And above all, he'll have the Dark Lord to support him – yet again, he had found someone to lean on…

The task of telling the Dark Lord about the Potters' hiding place was frightening at first. Not because he didn't want to betray them, but because if the information didn't help the master, Peter would be killed.

Death – that he was afraid of. He would do anything to stay alive. And he did. When the Potters foolishly changed their Secret-Keeper from Sirius to him, he knew exactly what to do.

And now, it was over. The Potters, and most importantly, the toddler, were dead. Although he had not received any news yet, this rubble in front of him was evidence enough that they were all dead. No one could survive the Dark Lord's wrath. His master was the most powerful sorcerer in the world… and Peter was his most loyal servant.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

He walks away from the ruins, towards a Muggle village. There is a bounce to his walk. He is in high spirits, when suddenly, in the middle of a busy intersection, there is a pop. Peter jumps around in surprise and fear, and comes face-to-face with Sirius Black. Peter gulps. "Sirius." He squeaks, and trembles all over.

Sirius lunges forward, his long fingers curling around Wormtail's fat neck. Sirius' face shows a mixture of utmost rage, deep sorrow, and mild disbelief.

"Pete, you vile traitorous wretch!" He growls, and Peter gasps for air. "Damn you! James and Lily! They treated you as their family, and this is your _thanks_ to them, is it? Killing them off, and leaving Harry as an orphan? You cowardly sewer rat! I'LL KILL YOU!"

And Peter, even as he is struggling to get away from Sirius' strangling hold, freezes. _Harry, an orphan?_ It dawns on him, and he squeaks. He realizes what this means – he will get protection from no one. _The toddler isn't dead_…_the Dark Lord will be angry with him…he will kill Peter…and if he doesn't, the rest of the Wizarding community will kill him for helping the Dark Lord…put him in Azkaban… _Unless…unless, he pretends to have died by the hands of Sirius Black. If Peter could just put the blame of the Potters' murder on someone else, and then pretend to be dead…

Yes, that could work.

When Sirius lets go of Peter's neck, to retrieve his wand, Peter thinks fast, and takes the opportunity to yell out the first thing that comes to mind, "YOU KILLED THEM! YOU KILLED LILY AND JAMES! LILY AND JAMES, SIRIUS! HOW COULD YOU?"

"WHAT?" Sirius yells. "You little vermin!" He points his wand at Peter, but by the time Sirius yells out a curse, it is too late. Peter has cut off his index finger, blasted off the whole Muggle street with his wand behind his back, and has turned into his animagus form. Peter has joined the other sewer rats…

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Wormtail is still trembling when he reaches his hiding place. His hand is bleeding, and the blood drips on the apartment's white tiles.

He slides down a wall, and realizes that he is sweating profusely. _The baby isn't dead?_

He could either be in hiding forever (and there is a chance that he could be found), or he could… be an animagus for the rest of his life. Peter considers this. Well, he wouldn't have to be an animagus for the rest of his life. No, only until he could find another support… another pillar he could lean on.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Note: So, this character was requested by one of the reviewers. Initially, I was actually not planning on writing one about Peter, because I just never really considered writing anything from his point of view. I had no idea how Peter would think and act in a situation. But, I took it as a challenge... and I have to admit, his point of view was hard to take on. I would really like to know what everyone thought of it. So, anyway, this is for Twinkie. I hope it was okay:)

Once again, I really appreciate reviews!


	6. Remus Notices

Remus Notices

When he gets hit with the curse, the green light flashes like a lightening in his eyes. And he sees in front him his entire life. What a cliché it was, seeing one's life flash in front him in that crucial moment. And even though Remus' life is anything but clichéd, this one moment is an exception.

The flash is only a split second long in reality, but for Remus it feels like eternity. As he sees it, he also realizes something. Coward. He has been a coward his whole life. Who would've thought that Remus Lupin – Order of the Phoenix member, ex-Marauder, Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher – was a coward? Impossible.

But he thinks that he has known this all his life. Somewhere deep down, he has always known that he was a coward. A bloody coward. It is just that now, moments away from crossing over to the other world, he notices his cowardice clearly.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

_Fifth year at Hogwarts_…

"Snivellus." Sirius says with a sort of malicious glint in his eyes – the sort of glint he especially reserves for his family, Voldemort, and Snape.

James grins slowly – a hint of mischief is mixed with the malice in his eyes. Remus notices that for James everything is a sort of fun experience. James hated Snape, too. No question about that. You could even say that James hated Snape more than Sirius ever could (the reason, of course, being the fair lady with the auburn hair). But, James was definitely more easy-going than Sirius. Sirius was hard-core. He hated and loved with extreme passion. James was hard-core too, but he saw the fun in everything. James loathed, despised, detested Snape – but, hey, what's the harm in finding the fun in torturing Snape?

The four of them are sitting on the couch near the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common room. Sirius and James are plotting, yet again, against Snape. Peter sits obediently, nodding enthusiastically to everything Sirius and James are saying.

Remus wants none of it. He wants to be studying in his room for the Potions final. He is sick. He is sick of this game. He is tired of playing these silly, immature pranks that James and Sirius insist on planning every other day.

"The moment that git comes down the stairs and into the Great Hall," James is saying now, sitting forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, the fingers of his left hand tapping against the fingers of his right. The expression on his face can only be described as a seven-year-old kid's while opening a Christmas gift. "We do the transfiguration charm, and Snivellus's greasy clothes become Frank Longbottom's mother's clothing – complete with the 

vulture hat!" He punches the air with his fists and chuckles. Sirius claps him on the back and says laughing –

"That is simply the best plan I've heard in ages, mate!"

Peter agrees. No surprises there.

Remus wants to yell that he has nothing against Snape. He wants to say that this is wrong. And, as a Prefect, he has complete authority over his friends. He has the power to go against their wishes. He has the power to take points away from their house. He has the power to tell on them to McGonagall. But, does he? Does he really have the power?

Yes, as a Prefect, he does. But, what about as a friend? As their friend, could he disagree with James and Sirius? He knows that James could disagree with Sirius, Remus, or Peter, and they would just accept it. Sirius could disagree with James, Remus, or Peter, and they would accept that, too. Peter never disagreed with James or Sirius, and there was no argument there. But Remus, he wants to go against James and Sirius. But he can't, because he is not James or Sirius. He is Remus.

He is afraid. He is scared that his disagreement with them would anger them. He doesn't want to lose them as his friends. His only true friends. He thinks back to the time when they found out about him being a werewolf. There was a moment when James had stared at him, and then he had asked him how it had happened. Remus had told him about Fenrir Greyback. The next day, James had come running into their room and told Remus about his plans for turning into an Animagus. Remus had been confused then. He had asked James why he wanted to become an Animagus.

"We could keep you company – Sirius, Peter and I – we could be with you when you have your transformations." James had said so matter-of-factly, his voice confident as ever. And right then, he had seen it – seen James' loyalty. Tears had prickled Remus' eyes then, and he had turned away abruptly and wiped his eyes, embarrassed.

Now when he thinks about that day, he knows that he can't disagree with his friends. No matter how uneasy he feels about Snape being tortured by them, Remus cannot stop his friends.

He is a coward.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Remus sits at a far corner in the Leaky Cauldron, a glass of firewhiskey sitting in front of him on the dusty counter. He takes a sip and frowns as the liquid burns his throat. He is supposed to meet Tonks here in a few minutes. They are supposed to go to the Order of the Phoenix headquarters together to check on Harry…

Tonks… Sirius' cousin's daughter. Tonks, who was at least fifteen years younger than Remus. Tonks, who was bright and happy. Tonks, who Remus had seen as a small girl in his teenage years.

He was in love with Tonks?

He didn't know how he could react to this realization. Remus was _old_. He already had gray hair, for Merlin's sake! He was a bitter old man, who also happened to be a werewolf! _Wow, what woman could resist an old werewolf?_ Remus thinks bitterly to himself.

He wonders how he could have let himself do this. But he knows that he couldn't have stopped himself from falling for Tonks. She was everything he wasn't – childish, youthful, carefree… He laughs out loud. _Clumsy_. She was always knocking things over. And Merlin, he _loved_ her for that. He loved her for being so completely chaotic. Every drink that she spilled, every vase that she shattered, every heirloom that she broke made him love her more and more.

So, he wants to tell her. _It doesn't matter how she reacts, _Remus thinks. And then he sighs. Of course it matters how she reacts. He imagines her looking repulsed at the sight of him… he imagines her disbelief… he imagines her laughing at him… When he imagines these things he feels his heart being ripped into pieces.

He realizes that it does matter to him.

When moments later she walks up to him, trips over the chair's leg, and promptly spills Remus' drink all over the counter, she groans, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Remus! I've done it again…" She pulls out the chair next to him and sits down. "Let me buy you another one."

Remus smiles despite himself. _There she goes again… _

"Nah, I was done anyway." He says. He really wants to tell her. He wants to tell her that she could spill all the drinks she wanted to, and he would love her all the more for it. He wants to tell her that she is the reason why he smiles so often nowadays. But he doesn't tell her. He doesn't tell her, because he is scared of her reaction.

More importantly, he doesn't tell her because he is scared to hear that she felt the same way… he is scared to hear that she loved him too…

Yes, he is terrified of seeing her repulsed at the idea of being with him. But, if somehow (miraculously) she wasn't repulsed by him, did he want her to love him back? Did he want her to spend the rest of her life with the likes of him? A werewolf?

No. He didn't. He could picture the sort of life they would live… and it wasn't about him. It was about Tonks. Tonks could never be happy with him. She was a free spirit. She was like a child sometimes. How could Remus expect her to be with him? How could he expect her to put up with 

him on full moon days? How could he be selfish and cruel enough to subject her to such a terrible life? Remus was not the family guy. He was far from it. He wasn't like James, who knew that he wanted a family when he was seventeen. He wasn't even like Sirius, who wanted a family someday, if not when he was seventeen. Remus, on the other hand, never thought about it… not until now anyway. You see, Remus felt that 'family' and 'werewolf' were not to be mixed.

He looks at her now. She is talking animatedly to the bartender about something. Looking at her now, he decides that he won't do it. He won't tell her. Because either way, whether she accepted him or rejected him, he would be hurting her.

He doesn't want to be selfish.

But, by being selfless, he is being a coward.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She is pregnant?

Pregnant. Tonks. Baby. His.

He stares at his wife, happiness and regret filling his heart and soul. Initially, there is pure happiness. But when the news settles down in his mind, the regret starts rushing in like tidal waves. The one thing that Remus was most afraid of was now becoming reality.

Tonks, who had confronted Remus with a big grin on her face, is now looking at him, worried. When a moment later he still hasn't said anything, she is scared. Her heart fills with dread.

"Remus?" she asks tentatively. He turns away. She walks forward, and wraps her arms around his torso. She whispers into his back, "Say something, Remus. You're scaring me."

"I'm going to go check on Harry at the Grimmauld Place." Remus says, pulling away from Tonks, his voice flat and emotionless.

When he leaves Tonks standing in their living room, her eyes filling with tears, he feels broken.

A baby. His baby.

He wonders if they (Tonks and their unborn child) will be better off without him. He should leave them.

Leaving – If this wasn't cowardice, then what was?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Remus sees these events in his mind. He is so ashamed. How could he have even_ thought_ of leaving Tonks and Teddy?

The Death Eater who had hit him with the killing curse is now watching Remus fall. There is a scream to his left, and Remus tilts his head to the left just a little and finds Tonks, her body falling too. Remus reaches out and grabs onto Tonks' arm. They fall simultaneously.

When Remus' eyes can no longer stay open, his fingers are still wrapped around Tonks' arm.

But before crossing over to the other world, Remus realizes something else – even though he had thought of leaving his family, he hadn't really done it. He had gone back to them. He had seen his son being born. He was here with Tonks now – _dying_ with her – and Remus realizes that that has to count for something.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Hello everyone,

I apologize for this late update. Anyway, this is Remus. Please let me know how this was :)

Again, thank you for reviewing, guys! They motivate me to write more and more.

Keep reviewing :)

Cordelia


End file.
